


What we were

by PeterHaleforAlpha



Series: Tumblr prompts [5]
Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Canon Divergence, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 11:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4704944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterHaleforAlpha/pseuds/PeterHaleforAlpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In order to save Nathan's life Duke has to choose which price to pay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the first chapter there was no specific prompt, only the genre angst. The second chapter should contain the sentence "It was only a dream, I promise."

Duke’s heart was racing like crazy. The second Nathan pointed his gun towards Howard Duke couldn’t move. What was he doing? Killing Howard wasn’t the solution and then shots were fired. Duke winced at the sound but noticed right away that Howard was still standing. In the next second he saw Jordan pointing a gun at Nathan.

_No!_

Nathan was still standing but not as relaxed as only a minute ago. He was definitely hit but this didn’t stop him. Yet again he raised his arm, ready to pull the trigger now, Duke was convinced about that but Jordan didn’t take that chance. She shot again, two times and finally Duke was able to move again.

“No, Nathan,” he shouted and rushed over to him. Duke steadied him a little and took the gun from him. Without hesitation he shot at Jordan. Duke knew that she didn’t deserve this. She only wanted the Troubles to end but right now in this moment she was a danger. To Nathan! And this was all Duke could think about.

She fell to the ground and Duke pulled his attention back to Nathan. He dropped the gun and put his hand on Nathan’s cheek to hold his head. “Hey, hey, Nathan.” They were still standing but Nathan’s legs gave in and he was too heavy to hold him up so Duke was gliding to the ground with him. “Hey, look at me.” Nathan moved his eyes until he found Duke. Duke smiled. “Yes, so is good. So is good. Stay with me.” Duke put a hand on Nathan’s back and immediately felt the rush of his Trouble. He pulled his hand away again. The barn was still here so were the Troubles. The only good thing of it was that Nathan didn’t feel any of his pain. “Talk to me, Nate.” Fear lay in his voice because he could see how bad Nathan was. He had trouble to keep his eyes open, he seemed unfocused and far away.

“Audrey,” was the only thing he was able to say.

Duke swallowed hard and was so thankful that she didn’t have to see this. “She is gone, Nathan. She went into the barn.” To save us, he wanted to add but couldn’t because Audrey didn’t go away to see Nathan die in the next minute. No, this wasn’t fair. His shaky hands patted Nathan to attract his attention again. “Don’t leave me too.” These two people were all that he had left. Losing Audrey was hard enough but losing Nathan at the same day. He wouldn’t survive this.

“I’m sorry, Duke,” Nathan whispered weakly. “I just wanted her back.”

Duke nodded and didn’t even fight the tears. “I know. I know. But please stay with me. Just hold on a little longer, okay?” Duke knew that it was wishful thinking but he hadn’t anything else left at this moment. He needed Nathan. He couldn’t lose him. “Please!”

Duke felt Nathan’s hand on his knee and a little smile formed on Nathan’s lips. “Keep the town safe.” Then he closed his eyes and his head tilted to the side.

Duke shook his head unbelievingly. “No, no, no, no, please,” he begged and moved Nathan’s head towards him and searched for a pulse. It was still there and Duke found a little hope again. “Come on, Nate, open your eyes,” he shouted now because he knew that touch wouldn’t do anything. The barn was still there.

And then it hit Duke. The barn was still there!

Howard was still standing a few meters from them. Immediately Duke laid Nathan cautiously on the ground and turned around. “Can you save him?”

Howard didn’t respond so Duke kept talking, “The barn saved Audrey’s son, right? He was dead and now he was alive again. Can it save Nathan?”

Finally Howard nodded. “It could save him.”

“But?” Duke got angry. They hadn’t much time left. Nathan was bleeding out and the barn would probably vanish any second.

“It will cost a price.”

Duke would have loved to just hit him. Couldn’t he just say what it was? “What is it? Does he have to stay in there for 27 years? He won’t mind.” He would be with Audrey when she came back. He would still be young. That was what Nathan wanted. Everything would be okay.

“No, the barn will stay long enough for me to pull him out again. The price are some of his memories.”

“Memories?”

Howard nodded. “All of the memories linked to one person. He has to have a strong connection to this person. For example Audrey.”

Duke swallowed hard and looked down to Nathan. He was dying and it was the only way to safe him. Audrey’s disappearance would kill him afterwards but if he couldn’t remember her everything would be okay. It was a good solution. Nathan would live and he would be mentally okay.

“What about me?” He asked suddenly.

“What?” Howard seemed surprised.

“Is his connection to me strong enough to take these memories?”

“Yes, probably but do you really want that? Audrey is gone and she won’t remember him when she returns. There is no loss in taking these memories.”

Duke shook his head. “I can’t take Audrey from him or anyone else. He loves her too much as I would have the right to decide this for him. Take the memories of me.”

“Okay.”

Duke helped Howard to carry Nathan to the barn and bring him inside. Then he was utterly alone as the door closed and the only thing he could do was waiting. He hoped that this would work. He couldn’t lose Nathan, not like this.

It felt like a lifetime until the door opened again and Nathan was stumbling out, totally okay. Duke smiled and brushed away his tears. He ran over to him, took his arm and pulled him along. “Come on, Nate, let’s get away from here.”

Nathan seemed a little confused but followed his lead before he turned around. “Audrey!” he shouted and tried to get back to the barn again. “Let me go. I need to get her.”

“I can’t let you do this.”

Nathan turned around, full of rage. “Who are you? And why do you think you can give me orders?”

It hurt more than Duke had expected. In these several minutes as Nathan was in the barn he tried to prepare himself but this was worse than anything he could come up with. Nathan looking at him as if he was a total stranger was painful like a thousand stabs to the heart.

“I … Dwight sent me to get you,” he finally explained with a lie.

“I don’t care.” Nathan broke free and ran back to the barn right in the moment when it disappeared. “Nooo,” he screamed, full of pain and fell to his knees. Duke wanted to go over, to comfort him but he knew he wasn’t anyone to Nathan, only a total stranger, no one he knew. No one you wanted to have around in a moment like this.

So he turned away and left him alone. Duke blinked away some tears. After all he lost Audrey too and he realized now that he lost Nathan in a certain way too.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey, Crocker,” Nathan shouted and jumped onto the  _Cape Rouge_  without even waiting for an invite. Like in old times, Duke thought, while turning around. Maybe there were some habits you couldn’t get rid of even if you couldn’t remember anything of your relationship to a specific person.

“What do you want, Chief?” Duke asked, trying not to show how much Nathan’s “Crocker” hurt. Even in the time they were no friends and fighting all the time he almost always called him Duke.

Nathan seemed to have forgotten what he wanted to say and looked around. “What are you doing?”

There were several boxes all over the deck of the boat. “Nothing,” Duke commented and put one of them on top of another.

“You’re leaving town?”

Duke sighed. “If you really need to know, yes.” Duke tried over the last couple of weeks, he really tried but it was so hard walking past Nathan and he didn’t get anything except a little “hello”. No snarky comment, no annoyed criticism. Although Nathan was still here, walking around alive, he was lost to Duke in a way he couldn’t cope. There was nothing left here for him. Audrey was gone and Nathan too. Why stay and torture himself? “So what do you want, Chief? I have still a lot of work to do if you don’t mind.”

“I dreamt of you last night.”

It came so sudden that Duke didn’t know how to react to that. He turned around so that Nathan wouldn’t notice his hurt expression. It was probably only a total normal dream, a little crazy, where the people you met the day were a part of it. “I didn’t even know you swing that way, Chief!” He joked to hide is nervousness and winked at Nathan.

“No, it was different. It was like a memory or something. We were younger, we were fishing and I got angry and we had a fight.”

Duke raised an eyebrow, totally aware of which event Nathan was talking about but it was a dream, nothing less. Nothing to clung your hopes to that it could change again between them. The only solution for Duke was to leave town. “It was only a dream, I promise.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Please, Nate, just leave it be,” Duke said in hope that Nathan would just leave. This was too much. He couldn’t talk with him about a memory that would never come back.

“There!” Nathan exclaimed and pointed with his finger at Duke. “You called me ‘Nate’”

“So?” Duke tried to act it down a little and shrugged. “Nathan … Nate … it’s a common nickname.”

“No one calls me Nate. And … and I noticed the way you look at me. Most of the time you act normal but sometimes you look almost hurt.” Nathan went silent as he walked a step forward. “ _Who are you?_ ”

Duke chuckled. “I’m Duke Crocker, you know that.”

Nathan nodded. “Yeah, but why can’t I remember to ever met you before? Everyone said you grew up here and we are about the same age. You are a Crocker. I heard of them but I can’t remember knowing anything about you. Why did we never meet?”

“I don’t do losers that’s why,” Duke said, hoping that Nathan would just leave after this insult.

But Nathan shook his head. “You are not telling me the truth. You were at the barn. Why?”

“Dammit, Nathan, just stop it,” Duke finally lost it. He couldn’t handle this anymore. He needed him to leave unless he wasn’t sure what he would tell him. Probably everything but it would only hurt even more because it wouldn’t change a thing. Nathan knowing that he had lost several memories wouldn’t make it better because they wouldn’t come back. So what was the point?

“Why?” Now Nathan got louder too. “I don’t understand how these questions can bother you so much?”

“Because they hurt, okay?”

Nathan went quiet and only stared at Duke for several moments. It was clear that he didn’t know what he should respond to that. Finally he whispered a quiet “Why?”

Duke sighed and gave in. “This dream of yours happened and I remember it. You don’t. And I can’t look at you anymore, knowing that you don’t know who I am or what we were.”

“We were friends?”

Duke laughed dryly. “Sort of, I would say.”

“But … but I don’t remember you at all. Why? What happened?”

Duke felt his eyes filling with tears. He couldn’t do this. Even if he told Nathan it wouldn’t change anything. Nathan’s memories wouldn’t come back like a miracle. So he shook his head. “Just go. I don’t want you on my boat anymore.”

Duke needed to leave, better sooner than later.

“I should have known,” Nathan commented angrily. “You are like every other Crocker. Dishonest, unreliable and a literally pain in … the … ass.”

“You’re right,” Duke said without noticing that Nathan went totally quiet again. “So you can let me go and you keep this town safe. Everybody is happy.”

Suddenly Nathan grabbed his hand. It was gentle and cautious. Nathan’s eyes widened a little. Duke knew that he could feel again but for several weeks now. It should be normal for him by now. “I wouldn’t be.”

“Why not? Because you can’t harass me anymore?”

Nathan shook his head. “Because I have the feeling like I’m losing a friend. I know this sounds ridiculous because I can’t remember you at all but …  _I don’t want you to go_.”

“Nate…”

Nathan smiled. “I like it when you call me like that.”

Duke kept quiet, thinking about Nathan’s words. He always wished for such honesty from Nathan and now he got it but not from the Nathan he wanted it to be. Duke knew it was selfish to think that way because it was his fault after all that Nathan couldn’t remember but he couldn’t help himself than to miss his old Nate.

“Duke?”

It was the first time that Nathan used his first name and Duke suddenly knew that it would be a mistake to leave Haven. He did it once and regretted it. He shouldn’t do it a second time. “I will stay,” he finally said.

Nathan pulled Duke into a hug. Duke was totally frozen, out of surprise. Then he hugged him back with tears in his eyes. “Maybe we could try to make some new memories,” he suggested. Sometimes Duke even wished for Nathan to forget certain events because there was this rift between them that seemed as if it couldn’t be fixed anymore. Maybe this was a second chance.

“I would like that,” Nathan admitted but pulled away. “But I really want to know how it happened.”

Duke closed his eyes for a moment. “Okay,” He sighed deeply. “It was short after Audrey left. You wanted to shoot Agent Howard but Jordan stopped you by putting four bullets in you.” Duke took a deep breath. It was painful remembering Nathan lying in his arms. “You were dying and I couldn’t do anything so I asked Agent Howard for help. He took you into the barn and you came back healed.”

“But how did I lose my memories?”

“It was the prize of the barn. It took all memories of you linked to one person.”

“Any person?”

Duke nodded. “You needed a strong connection to this person but yes.”

Nathan shook his head and clung onto Duke’s shirt. “Don’t say that you could choose. Say that it was the barn which made the decision.”

“I … I didn’t. It was the barn. Probably because you know me the longest except for your father.”

Nathan’s grip loosened a bit. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Duke raised his eyebrow.

“That you couldn’t choose. It would be different now.”

Duke smiled sadly. “Yeah…” He wasn’t sure why he lied. Maybe he didn’t want Nathan to feel even more guilty. Duke could see that he was feeling guilty for not remembering although it wasn’t his fault at all. “But it is okay though. So you still have your parents and Audrey. I’m still here. We can make new memories.”

Nathan bit his lips. “You said we were friends?”

“Sometimes. Why?”

“Because it doesn’t feel this way.”

“I don’t understand. What do you mean?” Did Nathan hate him so much that he could still feel it deep down? But he wouldn’t have begged him to stay if it was like this.

Instead of answering Nathan stepped closer and gave him a gentle kiss. “I wanted to do that every time I saw you in the last couple of weeks but I didn’t understand where this feeling was coming from.”

“You should have said something sooner.” Duke lingered onto Nathan’s lips. The closer he was to him the better.

“You said we were friends.”

Duke smiled. “Sometimes more, sometimes less. It was complicated but I didn’t think you still felt this way. There was Audrey and you made pretty obvious that you hate me.”

“I can’t believe that. I mean I love Audrey and I miss her so much but this,” he looked up right into his eyes, “this seems right.”

“Won’t argue with that.” Duke kissed him again, putting his hand in Nathan’s neck and pulling him closer. His other hand wandered over his back. Suddenly he had Nathan’s hand on his chest and was pushed away. His eyes were wide of shock. “Nathan, what?”

“Kiss me again.”

“What?” First Nathan pushed him away and then he demanded immediately more.

“Kiss me again,” he repeated and pulled Duke closer until their lips touched once more. Duke didn’t want to complain, he really didn’t, but this was weird. Maybe it was nothing new that Nathan acted weird sometimes but still.

“What was that?” he wanted to know, pulling back gently.

“Under the bleachers? Prom night?”

“You remembered?” Duke didn’t know what to think. Was it really possible?

“I think so. Maybe it felt similar and it triggered this memory. I don’t know.”

Duke smiled. “It was our first kiss like now, at least for you.”

“Maybe there is still a chance to get my memories back. We just have to repeat them.”

Duke chuckled nervously. “Maybe we shouldn’t repeat everything.”

“But the good stuff.”

“Yeah, we can definitely do that. Let me start immediately.” He pressed their lips together again and pushed him towards the steps to get below deck. At the stairs he stopped. “Let me guess you were too modest to celebrate having your sense of touch back, right?”

“I’m not modest.”

Duke nodded amused. “Sure, Nathan, everything you say.”

“I’m not-“

“Just let me show you how you celebrate after you can feel again.” Duke arrived at the bottom of the stairs. “What do you say?”

“Won’t argue with that.”


End file.
